How To Stay Positive and Confident in Today's World

As most of you know, I recently opened up about my breakdown to Austin the other night about being inadequate and comparing myself to other people, to my own expectation of what kind of person and wife I was supposed to be, and I even ventured to thoughts that maybe I was doing something wrong because our relationship or aspects of our relationship are different than friends or others I know.

My mom has been really good about teaching me that when thoughts of doubt or of comparing myself to others enter my brain that they are just from Satan trying to get me to forget that I am a daughter of God, and that I need to kick those thoughts right out. I have had this happen time and time again. Just because I know it's Satan doesn't mean that I can easily stop those thoughts. And even with my knowledge of the fact that I am a child of God, a daughter of God, and that I am so much more than what the world perceives of me or even what I perceive of me, those thoughts still come, they still stay, and they still get to me.

I've spent my whole life trying to live up to every expectation, every standard, every possible thing that anyone could ever want or expect from me, and the problem is that I expect way more out of myself than anyone. And the truth is, it's exhausting. It is absolutely exhausting feeling like you always have to be on your A game and that anything mediocre is just simply not going to cut it. I've spent my whole life looking like I've had everything together when I've felt like everything was falling apart. And it's in those times when I've felt like everything was falling apart and that I wasn't up to par that I let those thoughts from Satan trickle in.

I was in class today when something that my teacher (Rhet Dalling) said caught me off guard. He said, "We're caught up in the wrong things for the wrong reasons." And the reason why it caught me off guard is because he was talking about something completely unrelated to what I knew I would be sharing and opening up about, but it fit perfectly. The reasons why we get caught up in the wrong things is because we let ourselves move our priority of the most important things around because we become too wrapped up in things aren't nearly as important. How many of us have said, "Oh, I have so much to do," sat down to look at your list, gotten on Facebook or Instagram, etc, and realized 15-60 minutes later that you haven't gotten anything done you planned to? This has happened several times to me, especially right before I go to read my scriptures.



Satan doesn't wave these temptations of sin right in front of our faces. He barely has to do anything when we constantly surround ourselves with things that are not of worth or as a matter of fact, our time. Dwelling in the world of social media can be damaging, even detrimental.

 It's not necessarily that we sit there and constantly think, "Oh, I wish I looked like her," or "Oh my gosh, I would do anything to have a house like that," although it definitely could be! No, more often than not, we don't let ourselves recognize that most of what is posted on social media is the only the good. Hardly ever does someone post about their relationship problems, financial situation, or how they're struggling in school. And to be fair, that's probably a good thing. The best way to work through something [usually] is to work on it by yourself or with close family and friends, rather than bringing it all out in the public. The point of the matter here though is that we don't see behind the scenes. We don't see the every day struggles, the tears and frustration, the messes, the other 50 selfies, etc, we only see what they want us to see. And when we choose to read posts and look at pictures without recognizing that, we put ourselves in a position to let thoughts of self doubt, inadequacy, and constant comparison creep in.



Now the question remains: How do we stay positive and confident in an Instagram world?

Well, I should start of by saying, I don't have all the answers. But I do have wonderful family, friends, mentors, and others that I look up to that have reached out and given some advice along the way. And at the very top of that list, is our Heavenly Father. He has provided so much for us. Many people would say that something like this has nothing to do with God or religion, and to them I say it has everything to do with it.

 Al Fox Carraway in a recent blog post said, "My point is we are sometimes in need of a reality check. Do more than just exist. Let’s refocus, often, on who we truly are and what we need to be doing. Refocus on the reality of being a living soul that can never die. We have ‘forever’ built into our genes." 

Part of refocusing and prioritizing is remembering who we are and why we're here (does that ring a bell to anyone? Hello Plan of Happiness!). We need to remember that we are sons and daughters of God- a Heavenly being who has given us so much and in doing so wants us to realize that we are divine and have a divine potential! He wants nothing more than for us to succeed and do our best. He has given us the tools, but it's up to us if we use them or not. 


I think honestly, the biggest and sometimes hardest part is really just putting God back at the top of our priority lists. Make time to read our scriptures, when we pray don't make it mundane, but seek out special help from Him to stay motivated in the tasks that need to be accomplished and not to get caught up in doing things that aren't important. I have a firm testimony that He is on our side, wants us to succeed, and will be right by our side if we seek His help. We need only ask. He loves us! We're His children, for goodness sake. He gave us His Only Begotten Son, who suffered and died for us, so that we could over come all things, including comparing ourselves to others and feeling inadequate. And if you don't have a firm testimony of that, I invite and encourage you to pray and ask God. He would love for you to know that for yourself.

Once we have put God back at the top of our list I can promise you that everything else will flow much smoother and get much better. It's amazing what we can do with God on our side. The important step now is to remember to minimize distractions. Focus on the other things that need to be done, but don't get overwhelmed! Make a list, break it down. Are there things that need to be done now or today, but others that can wait until later or tomorrow? Then separate those out and do the ones that are immediate. Just do what you can and don't worry about the rest. Also, don't put yourself in a position where you're going to be overwhelmed right from the start. Remember that God never intended for us to be so busy that we don't have time for Him. And I might add or our families or ourselves.

That leads to my next point. I think it's crucial that we make time to relax, to be worry free, even for a time. Obviously a great place to do this is at the temple. But I also think it's important to take the time to physically rest and rejuvenate. It's amazing what a 20 minute bubble bath can do. Free your mind, do something you enjoy, and I would encourage that during this time, avoid using social media.

Although I may not be able to take my own advice as easily on this one, I would also suggest limiting social media usage. I might add as a side note too, avoid talking to others where the conversation can get comparative. Just stick to catching up and being there for one another. Don't talk about specifics of your relationship with your significant other. Limiting social media will provide ways for all of us to find our old hobbies or create new ones. This will allow inspiration to flow from within us (and obviously from God), that will make us happier and more confident, not only within ourselves but in our lives too. We will be able to view our lives again in a more eternal sense and will recognize that we are worth far more than some simple likes on facebook or instagram. Our relationships will improve all around and we will start to shine again.

So what are we waiting for people? Let's get our sparkle and shine back! 

*All images were taken from Pinterest and are not mine

The Start of Forever

Wow! Almost two weeks already?! This time two weeks ago I was driving home with my fiance and my sister in order to get married. I can't believe how fast these last two weeks have gone, but I also have loved being in every moment since then. So many wonderful things happened and so many incredible people in my life that mean so much to me were able to be a part of it. I seriously couldn't have asked for anything better. From my bridal shower, to the set up of the gym for our reception, to all those who helped clean, set up, take down, sacrificed of their time, money and talents to make April 9th the best day of our lives, I want you to know that your efforts did not go unnoticed and that we love and appreciate you more than you know.

The day before our wedding, later Friday morning, Austin had to leave Oro Valley and head back up to help out with everything in Gilbert. The last thing he said was that he would see me at the temple the next day. It didn't hit me then, but at the same time struck a cord with me. We had finally made it. We were going to be sealed to each other and to God for eternity the next day. All of the sacrifices and the time and effort we had made into putting God first were not in vain. Even though at times for the both of us we had lost hope and wondered whether or not we would ever find the one we wanted to be with forever, we held on and were blessed beyond measure to find each other. It truly was in our best interest and in God's perfect timing. Everything from the beginning testified of that over and over again. I have never seen things fall into place like they have for Austin and I. God truly led us to each other and is continually guiding us to where He needs us to be. It's absolutely incredible to witness that.

Even before the day of, but especially the morning of our wedding, I felt nothing but utter peace mixed with excitement. There were times when I was nervous, like when I showed up at the temple and Austin wasn't there, but overall I was just so ready to marry Austin and be his for eternity. While on that subject let me just add that although I acknowledge that Austin is not perfect and that neither am I, we have managed to find something incredible special. I would even dare to say that we are perfect for each other. Yes, he gets on my nerves as much as anyone who's family to me, but there is something about him where every single time I look at him, whether he's looking back at me or not, where I just get an overwhelming sense of gratitude wash over me for the man that he is and the man that he will continue to become. He is truly one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. I love him with my whole heart and soul, literally everything in me. I am blessed beyond measure to be his wife. He inspires me to be better each and every day whether he realizes it or not.

And that's really what it comes down to. There are no soul mates. There is not one single person that is absolutely perfect for you in every single way and because of that you will never fight or have problems. No, rather, there are imperfect people that will cross your path and honestly, it could work out with any of them, but one will stay and will make everything make sense. And all of the sudden all of the little things and the details won't matter anymore because it just all boils down to the fact that you want to be with them and that's all that matters. And I think that's just how God meant for it to be. He doesn't want us psychoanalyzing every person we meet in order to find the perfect one. He wants us to find that someone who will work every day to improve their imperfections and to help the both of you come closer to Him, and eventually return back to His presence. That's all He really wants for us. And that's what I found with Austin.

Waiting in the recorder's office I actually got a little nervous and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's cause I didn't want to embarrass myself or mess up or something, I don't know. But as I sat there with Austin in the Celestial Room in the temple, we both looked at each other to speak at the same time and realized we were remembering the same thing. Four months ago when Austin came to meet my family over Christmas break I took him to the Gilbert temple. After our session we sat on the couch underneath the mirror and I turned to him and said that the next time we would be in there we would be getting sealed. It was an incredible moment for us to recognize how prophetic that statement was and how hard we had worked to get there. We were then escorted to meet our sealer, Neal Christensen. He took some time to talk to us and get to know us a little bit before he brought us into the sealing room. Although we don't know each other very well, I'm so grateful that he was so close to the spirit to receive the inspiration that we needed to hear that day.

Our sealing was absolutely beautiful. Austin and I cried through the whole thing. Austin started pretty much as soon as we walked in, but I got extremely overwhelmed looking out at all of our family and friends that were able to there. We are so blessed to have such amazing family and friends that would sacrifice so much for us. And yes, it's an emotional day in general, but I think the both of us just felt the spirit testifying so strongly of Heavenly Father's love and approval of our making it to the temple and being sealed. I felt His presence as if He was my own father sitting in the witness chair feeling so proud of His daughter and her choices. The feelings I had are ones that will stick with me forever. The sealer talked a little about the ordinances that happen in the temple, the importance of them, and how we have a part in making sure they are done. He addressed those that were present and also just us as well. He talked about obedience and the importance of it as well. He talked about how obedience is what allowed Austin and I to be worthy to be there, and how we needed to continue to maintain that so that 20+ years down the road we can sit where our parents were sitting at our own children's sealings. He really was able to put everything into an eternal perspective for us as a new family and it was absolutely beautiful. I left with such a  strengthened resolve to be the best wife and mother I could possibly be, in the Lord. Kneeling across the alter while holding hands with Austin really sank in the fact that I would finally get to keep him as my partner, my supporter, my lover, and my best friend forever. Those are tender moments I will never forget.

Everyone says that your wedding day is a blur and you'll hardly remember anything, but I remember everything. I remember what taking pictures outside the temple with our family and friends, and screaming babies was like. I remember the luncheon and how I was terrified I was going to spill something on my dress, but the food was so good! I remember how we were late to the reception because I needed to get my hair and makeup fixed and put that dang dress (I really do love it, but lacing it up takes forever!) back on again. I remember how the reception looked after countless hours and hours of work, and although I really could care less if we had all those decorations, I'm really glad we did it. I remember all the people I hugged and talked to, some of which I hadn't seen in forever and have missed dearly. I remember cutting the cake and having to get frosting out of my hair so I could dance. I remember dancing with my dad and watching him tear up when he listened to the lyrics of the song. I remember my first dance with my new husband and the overwhelming sense of love that washed over my body, and how in that moment, no one else mattered, it was just me and him. I remember all the little details, the songs, the candies, the dances. And most of all, I remember feeling so incredibly blessed and wondering what in the world I did to deserve all of it. You see, I etched it all out in my brain, every single detail, because I never want to forget how all of it felt. I never want to forget how I felt driving away that night looking at Austin, as my new husband, and feeling so ready to take on the world with him by my side.

Since then we have honeymooned in Cozumel, Mexico where our adventures together never stopped and where I realized that I honestly do not get sick of that handsome man. I miss him every second he's not with me, but I am grateful that he finally gets to come home to me. We have also made our way back to Rexburg where we have moved into our cute little apartment and although there is no space for anything else, I love that it's ours, and that's all that matters. I have also started my second to last semester of college (at least undergrad) and Austin has started working again. We have started our lives here together and are figuring out our routine. I used to be such a big planner and feel like I needed a strict schedule, but I have found that although we still have plans and goals, no matter what, with Austin by my side, it doesn't matter where we go or what we do. Being married to him has so far been the greatest blessing of my life. Adding him to my family and gaining his has been a blessing too. We are blessed beyond measure and every night before we go to bed we lay there and just talk about how crazy it is that our lives are so good. Sure, it's not always going to be like this, and of course trials are going to come, but I love going to sleep and waking up to my best friend every night and day. I love knowing that he will always be there for me to support and comfort me. Just this last Sunday he gave me a blessing before the new semester. Let me tell you, I love Father's Blessings, but getting a blessing from my husband has got to be one of the most spiritual and incredible experiences I have ever had. He promised me that this semester of school would be easy. That I would be able to do well and accomplish the things that I needed to. He said that I would be able to overcome the hard things that come my way and that I would feel comfort. He also reminded me that Heavenly Father loved me and was aware of me and the things I was going through. Having a worthy priesthood holder as my husband has already been such a blessing. So I guess to wrap up this ridiculously long post, I just needed to write down my thoughts and feelings of that incredible day and of my life so far with Austin. I love being married to him. I love being his wife and serving him, and although I know that things will change, I will make it my goal in life to make sure I always feel this way, if not stronger in love with him, forever. After all, it's only the start of forever right now :)

Our Love Story

As I'm typing this I'm still in like utter disbelief and shock, but I'm so so excited!! 

I met Austin the second week of Fall semester 2015. We were put in the same FHE family in our ward and for the first FHE of the semester we invited them over just to get to know each other and discuss what we were going to do for activites. I thought he was cute, but since I was dating someone else at the time, I didn't give it a second thought, and we just became friends. A few weeks into the semester I was single again, but was also trying to put myself out there and get back into the dating pool again (which let's be honest, I sincerely hated, but I also didn't want to be utterly single forever). We had FHE every week and talked every once and a while, but nothing even slightly changed until mid October. For FHE one night we went to the straw maze. We tried to all stay together, but at one point Austin wandered off on his own and since I saw where he was going I followed him and tried to get him to rejoin the group. Instead, we ended up going through the whole maze together. He was a gentleman and we talked and laughed through the whole thing. My attraction to him grew a little more that day and I was surprised at how easy our conversation flowed. We finished going through the maze before anyone else and just hung outside for a little while before everyone joined us. Since I knew Alora was going to come into town that weekend I thought it would be fun to go to the haunted forest so we invited everyone, and I particularly invited Austin to come. He worked sometime that weekend and was spending the rest of the time with his parents so he didn't end up coming. Some of his roommates did though and that leads me to another story I'll come back to.

There were a few other guys that I was interested in and were trying to date around that time too, but they all kind of fizzled out towards the end of Oct. Halloween day though I had an eye appointment in Idaho Falls so Nicole and I decided that we would go to lunch, my appointment and then hit up the mall for a little bit. We invited our FHE brothers to come with us and Austin and his roommate Matt decided they were going to join us. When we were at the mall it seemed to me like the dynamics had changed a little bit. It felt like we were almost on a double date or something. Austin and I were flirting and the whole time I was thinking to myself, "What in the world is happening...what does this mean?" But the rest of the afternoon continued like that and when we were about ready to leave we invited them over for dinner and to watch some scary movies with us. Eventually they finally made it over to our apartment. Austin, Matt and I had homework to do so we ate and did that, but they finished before me and headed into the living room to watch the movies. I finished a little bit later, looked into the living room, saw how many people were there and wondered where in the world I should sit. I asked that out loud and Austin answered for me to come sit by him. Because we were so squished we ended up sitting really close to one another and just naturally ended up cuddling. And we've pretty much been inseperable since. We gradually started texting more I would invite him to things, he'd come, and then on Nov. 7th he brought me up to the family farm, we held hands, and I knew I was in for it.

The next few weeks everything just flew by so naturally. I kind of wanted to DTR (Determine the Relationship) and figure out where we stood because I wanted to call him my boyfriend, but the talk never came. Instead he just referred to me as his girlfriend one day and I ran with it. I was so excited and giddy when it happened. I found out some funny things on the way like the fact that he called dibs on me our first FHE, tracked my relationship status as best as he could through his roommates, and even had his roommates spy on me when they were around and he wasn't. This resulted in a few crazy things when they thought I was engaged to one of best friends, Spencer, and at the same time apparently dating one of my other best friends, Garrett! Thankfully he was smart about it and didn't believe those things, because our relationship just kept progressing as time went on. As crazy as it sounds though, I knew I was falling for him, and I was falling for him quick. The week of Thanksgiving I met basically his mom's whole side of the family, and his entire immediate family as well. They accepted me with open arms, I felt like I belonged and I was right where I was supposed to be. That week I knew that I was in love with Austin and realized that we were in it for the long run and I was going to marry him. I felt like I was crazy and I couldn't believe that I could ever know something that fast, but that weekend he said he loved me, and I knew we were both feeling the same thing.

The next little while flew by and before we knew it, we had made plans for him to fly out to Arizona after Christmas to meet my family. It was around that same time in December that we started to talk about getting married. Because of timing and everything with the farm and with him transferring to BSU to get into the nursing program we talked about April 9th, and that's the date that's always seemed right. We also talked about his plan before we could get engaged. It included 4 parts. He had to first, ask my dad for permission. Second, we would go ring shopping where I would pick out my top 3 favorite rings. Then third, out of those 3 he would pick his favorite, before four, finally proposing. 

Being without him for the first 10 days of Christmas Break was harder than I ever imagined it would be. He kept busy and I was bored out of my mind. All I wanted to do was talk to him constantly and facetime every day, but the way it would out we were only able to do that a few times. I missed him more than I thought I would and was surprised one night when I just cried myself to sleep. I had never had such strong feelings for someone before. I always prided myself on being a strong, independent woman, and it shocked met that I couldn't control my emotions that night. I think that helped me recognize how real this was and how much I really needed him. It was two days after that we were finally reunited. After a 2 hour delay and what seemed like forever waiting for him, at 1:30 am I finally saw him. My heart was whole again. We spent a wonderful 5 days with my family, just hanging out, playing games, and being together. Austin fit right in and I was so pleased to see how well he meshed with everyone. We were also able to attend the Gilbert temple together which is where we had discussed getting married. It was an indescribable feeling sitting in the Celestial Room with him knowing we would be back there in a few months right before we were to be sealed to one another for eternity. I simply cannot express how much love I felt for him in that moment, and most especially how much appreciation and gratitude I felt that he was worthy and ready to take me there. The rest of our time in AZ was wonderful, but after a while it was time to return back to school and reality and head back to Rexburg.

Apparently over Christmas break when Austin came to meet my family he asked my dad for permission. He was so sneaky I had no idea until my mom accidently gave it away shortly before we went ring shopping. I only found out recently what actually happened and he was shocked that I didn't know or pick up any hints! When we got back to Rexburg after break it took a couple of weeks, and mainly a weekend of him working doubles to be able to put a down payment down for a ring, before anything engagement wise came up. We knew that we were getting married and that if we waited to get engaged to plan everything we wouldn't have much time so we started planning and looking into things shortly after we talked about getting married the first time, but as far as the engagement was concerned, it was still a while coming. After he got home from that last shift of doubles a couple weekends ago though he said we were going ring shopping. The next day we went to Jensen Jewelers here in Rexburg and I found the most beautiful ring I have ever seen that fit exactly what I wanted. It was out of our desired price range though so I figured I wouldn't get it and we found other ones that were simpler at some other places that I liked too. That was the only day we did that and then we didn't talk about it again though. I was trying to be patient and I wanted him to be able to surprise me so I tried to keep my curiosity and observations to a minimum. Sometimes it was was really hard though and I was anxious. I kept feeling like I had to look good all the time and make sure that my nails were always painted. Goodness gracious, you would have thought I was being followed by paparazzi or something. But it was all in good fun and worth it so that I could actually look good when the time came.  

Earlier in January we scheduled a time my mom and sisters could fly up here to go dress shopping whether or not I was engaged. That time was the weekend of January 29th and when Tuesday of that week came and I was still not engaged I wondered when he was ever going to do it. I could've sworn all of the signs pointed to it being that night. I was a little disappointed and frustrated when we just hung out and nothing happened, but I tried to not let on. Then on Wednesday, January 27th, we went to the 4:30 session at the temple like normal and when we came out, to my complete and utter surprise, he had all of our friends and my sister, and his dad and sister waiting with signs that said, "Will you marry me?" I immediately enveloped him in a hug and then after we hugged he told me how much he loved me, that I was his best friend, and that he wanted to spend his whole life with me. He was crying, I was crying, and in that moment of shock and surprise, I had never felt so loved. He then got down on one knee and asked me to marry him! My personality really showed through at that moment when the only response that left my mouth was, "Duh," but I couldn't help myself. I knew I wanted to marry him more than anything. I knew it was coming, he actually managed to surprise me and I'm still on cloud nine. Oh, and that perfect ring? Yeah, it's currently sitting on my left hand just gorgeous and stunning. I seriously can't believe this is my life!! Haha 

I also bought my dream dress that weekend that my mom and sisters were here, another miracle! It was originally $950 but because they're discontinuing it we got it for an amazing price. I seriously can't believe how everything is falling together. I am so excited to marry Austin and be sealed to him for eternity. He is the love of my life, my best friend, and seriously the most hard working and amazing man I have ever met. My heart has never felt so full. I have never felt this much before in my whole life. Sometimes I really don't believe that this is my life. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that everything I have ever hoped and dreamed for has not only come true, but is so much better than I ever thought possible. My testimony of the Lord's plan has grown so much too. Our Father in Heaven really does have something so much better than we could've ever hoped and dreamed for in store for us. We need only trust Him and remain worthy and ready when the time comes. I love Austin more than I've ever loved anyone in my whole life. I love him more each and every day, and am shocked realizing that my capacity to love him grows each day too. I have truly, "...found the one whom my soul loveth." (Songs of Solomon 3:4) We are by no means perfect. Both of us have a lot to learn, but we're so excited and ready to do those things together. Now the real countdown begins! 62 days until I'm married and sealed to the man who has changed everything and made me realize that true love does exist. 

The Adventure of a Lifetime

Originally it all started as a thought, but slowly that thought turned to actions, which then became plans and payment options, and before I knew it I was paying for and planning a trip of a lifetime. I knew the sacrifices it would take- time, money, long hours of travel-but I also knew I couldn't pass up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so I took it for what it was worth and ran with it.

For as long as I can remember traveling has been one of my favorite pastimes. It may not be the actual traveling part itself, but the idea of going to a new place, starting a new adventure, meeting new people, and seeing the beauty of the world has always just struck a chord with me. Most of my bucket list contains places that I'd like to live or visit rather than actual events or things to do. There's an exhiliration like none other that comes to me when I cross another place, another adventure, off of the list. And this time brought extra excitement because for the first time, something that was so near to my family was becoming a reality for me too. We were going to Scotland and Ireland! :D

The planning for this trip as the weeks grew closer were honestly a little stressful. Missing 8 days of college is not usually the smartest thing in the book. Thankfully for both Jess and I, our teachers were understanding and willing to adjust assignments and tests, as needed, and rather quickly I learned the weight of missing that much class. I knew that if I put in the effort and kept track of everything I'd be all right though so that's when I started the to-do list and set out to do everything I needed to.

The actual trip itself began on Wed., September 30th as we embraked on a short road trip with my kind grandparents from Rexburg to Salt Lake. We celebrated Grandpa's birthday with Subway for dinner (big timers!), and spent the night in a hotel close to the airport. The next morning started early as we were about to embark on the first flight of the 3 that would take us across the globe in seemingly one day, but as the hours begane to be added up, of course we came to the conclusion that it was definitely not just one day. Out of Salt Lake we flew to Houston and then from Houston we flew to Newark where we met up with my parents, and my aunts and uncles, Colette and Waylon, and Densie and Collin. After waiting several hours there we were finally boarding the flight that would take us across the pond to Glasgow, Scotland, and we couldn't be more excited!

10/1/15 8:47 am

We finally made it! We were the first ones in our group to actually touchdown in the motherland so after waiting a while we finally met our tour guide, Mr. John Green, were whisked off to the bus, waited again and then began our journey with our group of 36 into the city of Glasgow. The rest of the day was a bit of a blur as we arrived too early to check in so we were told to go shop for a few hours before the appropriate time. We then spent the remainder of the day in a daze of excitement. We took a tour of downtown Glasgow where I saw the most beautiful architecture I've ever seen in my life, and where I realized that my wardrobe options may not be an weather appropriate as I had hoped. Later that night after dinner when we were given free time we went on an adventure of our own as Jess, Mom and Dad , and I set off to find a Bansky (Jess's favorite underground street artist) piece located in the middle of downtown. Sadly, we were not able to find it, but having a glimpse at the night-life of Glasgow was an adventure in and of itself for me.

I'm thankful for this opportunity and feel so blessed. Heavenly Father has really given me so many opportunities in my life to expand my knowledge of the good things of the world and to really gain an appreciation for all cultures and ways of life. I feel like these adventures have and will really continue to shape me into the person I want to become. It's been an incredible journey so far!

10/2/15 10:36 am

Loch Lomond...we're going to find Nessie today! Well, Stanley found him! Today was chalk full of driving through the highland, visiting Lochs, finding Nessie, and spending the night in Inverness. It's some of the most beautiful landcapes I've ever seen. It rains so much here that it is green pretty much all year round.

Today I was reminded once again how beautiful God's creations are. From something as simple as the rolling hills of the highlands, to the architectural structures that line that streets and rivers of this beautiful country, His fingerprint is evident in all of it. It is truly incredible to witness it.

This is a Test

There are few things I love more than being and serving in the temple. I've had maybe one or two rare moments where I felt the spirit overwhelmingly strong, but most of the time I'm just comfortable; almost as if it would too much for me to feel more than the serene comfort that envelops me as I walk through the halls. I have always wondered why I have never had similar overwhelming spiritual experiences that others have had. I've wondered if maybe I was in the wrong mindset, or maybe I'm just too tired. I've gone as far as to question whether or not I am worthy to even be there. All of this, of course, is not from our Heavenly Father, and as I have recognized that I realized that the feelings that I experience and go through at the temple are merely what it feels like when I am home. As I walk through the hallways of the temple I feel calm, happy, peaceful, and loved. That's how I feel when I'm at home- no wonder I love being in my Father's house.

Last Saturday as I was getting close to the end of my shift I was assigned to the Celestial Room. I walked in before the session was out so I took a seat and began looking around. There was a lady that I recognized who had done initiatories a couple weeks previous seated on one of the couches. She looked to be upset from where I was sitting so I watched her a little longer until suddenly she caught my eye. She pointed at me and said she knew me. I told her that it was from initiatories and that I recognized her when she had come into the dressing room earlier. Eventually she motioned for me to sit by her so I went over to where she was at. She got to know me a little better and I got to know her a little better too, and before we knew it the both of us were sharing some personal things that we had recently gone through or were experiencing. I told her how I no longer had a job and how I never in a million years would have planned for that to happen, but how somehow it felt like it was right and that God was directing me to something not known to me yet. I also explained how I had so much time on my hands and I wasn't sure what to do with it. She simply said, "Use it!" She went on to explain how some things had happened her life similar to mine and she was uncertain of what God's plan was for her, but she recognized that something was coming and that she needed to use her time wisely now while she had it. She told me, "You're never going to get this time back- use it wisely." 

I have been wondering for some time now how I can use my time better and what Heavenly Father would expect me to do with all this extra time I have, but last Sunday in Relief Society I had several promptings about it. I wrote in my study journal, "I need to do things that are in my reach, help those that are under my stewardship, and focus on how I can change my world around me & not necessarily the whole world." I've always felt so strongly about my influence and my responsibility to make a difference. It's as if it's inately in my character to look at the world around me and think about all of the charities I should start, and the organizations that I could found to send water to Africa, or build houses in Mexico, or send supplies to other foreign countries after natural diasters strike. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of those things at all, but I have come to recognize that it's gotta start, or begin somewhere, at relatively small measures before it can become something great. I hope to one day travel the world in humanitarian efforts, that I might be able to make a difference in that way, but I also have started to realize the importance of changing the world around me first. 

I started jotting down an idea of what I could do or how I could do that, and before I knew it I had several ideas: Visiting teaching (more than just the numbers), clean my apartment/do my part, family history/indexing, temple work, sharing my testimony to friends/on social media, writing my recent converts, going out with the sister missionaries, fulfilling my calling- getting to know them personally, donate plasma, find service organizations to join next semester. All of these things didn't seem like much until I realized that these are things that if I truly did them, would fill up my days in doing service. And in reality, those are kind of a lot of things to keep me busy.

Another interesting thing that happened to me last week was when I was reading the Joseph Smith story before going to the temple. I am familiar with the story, and have told it 100+ times, but I noticed something different this time. As I was reading previous to Joseph seeing Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, these two verses struck me: 

15 After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction.

16 But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction--not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being--just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.

I think for the first time in my life, I realized that Joseph was about to give up. He was literally in the deepest despair, with seemingly no way out. He had hit what we would commonly refer to as "rock bottom". At that exact moment when he was, as he put it, "ready to...abandon [himself] to destruction...at this moment of great alarm, [he] saw a pillar of light..." This weighed heavily on my heart all day Saturday as well as Sunday morning. I realized that there have been several times in my short life that I have felt that I have hit rock bottom and saw no way out. It was in those vulnerable and tender moments in my life, when I became the closest with my Savior, when I truly recognized Him as not only my Savior and Redeemer, but my older brother and best friend. It was after those scary moments in my life when Heavenly Father blessed me. Not the usual blessings that come from obedience, but the ones that are bigger and come only after serious humbling. The blessings that come with subtle guidance as if Heavenly Father is saying, "Now that you're finally where I need you to be, here are the blessings that accompany that." 

It's been a really rough couple of weeks for me. I think not really having constant things to do after losing my job, not really having close or best friends anymore, and unexpected financial issues and other trials have been weighing on me more than I expected. It's been really hard for me to keep going strong when I don't understand why I need these trials. I consider myself a good advisor when it comes to everyone, but myself. For some reason my advice comforts everyone, but me. I think in a way though it has given me more empathy for those that obey God's commandments, are seemingly doing everything right, and still struggle and have trials. It's a hard thing to understand. For me, it's even harder than justifying sin. I honestly have no idea why I need to be experiencing all of these things right now. It seems unfair at times when I compare myself to others who are at similar stages in life. For someone who has tried to spend their whole life in obedience to God's commandments, it's never an easy thing to accept trials, as most of us assume that when we experience trials and tribulations it's because Heavenly Father needs us to change or because we're not worthy enough.

When we were talking about the Refiner's Fire in Institute this last week something struck my deeply though. We watched a video where this woman had had a plan to have children every two years and have as many as they could. Long story short, two out of four of her children passed away and then after the second one passed, 3 weeks later her husband also died. She said something along these lines, "We don't always pass through the refiner's fire because we're bad or unworthy or because we need to change, but sometimes it's so we can help others or experience deeper joy." I couldn't believe that this woman honestly thought that all of those trials could seriously bring her deeper joy, but as she talked about Christ and her personal relationship with her Savior, I saw it. I saw that joy emulated in her expression. 

This life is not meant to be easy. How could it be when the end reward for those who pass is eternal life and exaltation?! I know that it's easy to just say, "Heavenly Father, this sucks. My life sucks and I can't do it anymore!" Believe me, I'm pretty sure I said that two nights ago in my prayers! But the important thing is not that we act all hunky dorey while we're experiencing these things, it's ok to be sad, to feel sorrowful, that makes it that much sweeter when the joy comes! The important thing is that we let these trials shape us, we let them teach us something. we make it so that we control the situation and what we gain out of it. It's never going to be easy...because honestly, it's not meant to be.

"Lucifer whispers that life's not fair and that if the gospel were true, we would never have problems or disappointments. ...The gospel isn't a guarentee against tribulation. That would be like a test with no questions. Rather, the gospel is a guide for maneuvering through the challenges of life with a sense of purpose and direction." -Sheri L. Dew "This is a Test. It is Only a Test."

Go and Become

How often do we disregard the little things? The things that are important, but that maybe we just don't really seem to acknowledge. I'm talking about the things each day that maybe a loved one does for us, or the little things daily that we must do in order to keep going, to keep living. I was thinking this morning about how the things we want to accomplish, our passions, the dreams we've set our hearts on since we were children, are all made up of little steps, little goals, simple, daily acts.

Isn't that fastinating to think about? I mean, if anything, I think at first it takes a little pressure off of the idea that all of the sudden these are things that have to be accomplished overnight. For example, if I wanted to become a scholar in music, specifically the piano, there is no way, no matter how much I wished for it, that if I stayed up all night reading and studying, I would be able to explain to you all about the origins of the piano, share with you all of the amazing pianists the world's ever known, etc. etc. To become a scholar takes time. It takes dedication and focus, time and perserverance. And those are all made up of the little decisions and actions that grow into big results.

I was thinking more especially about goals and why they're important. Goals are what help us accomplish the bigger and better things. They give us the steps and the motivation behind everything that we do and accomplish. In Preach My Gospel, Elder M Russell Ballard is quoted, "I am so thoroughly convinced that if we don't set goals in our life and learn how to master the techniques of living to reach our goals, we can reach a ripe old age and look back on our life only to see that we reached but a small part of our full potential. When one learns to master the principles of setting a goal, he will then be able to make a great difference in the results he attains in this life."

My study of PMG and the scriptures, every day on my mission gave me the confidence that the spirit would help me remember the things that I had studied so that I could help others. I admit that nowadays it is becoming harder and harder for me to find the motivation to study daily, but I recognize each day when I don't do it, that I am failing myself, and letting myself down. I recognize that my priorities are not where they used to be, and I understand that it can take only 5 mins a day for me to accomplish this goal. That's so little compared to all of the time I have in a day. Remember, it's the little things that make a difference.

This last Sunday we had Regional Conference for the whole state of Idaho. Elder Brent H. Nielson of the Seventy was there with Sister Marriott and Elder Perry. They all gave wonderful talks and the underlying topic that I gathered from all of them was change. And most importantly, little changes that need to take place inside of each of us. Elder Nielson told us that when he became a Seventy he waited for days to receive instruction until finally one of the other general authorities told him to, "go and become," so he studied more about the Savior and soon he started to become more like him. The same applies to us. If we want to be something different, to change, then we, as well, need to go and become.

"Go and Become"

Anything worth while isn't meant to be easy.

Why?

Because the goals we set push us to do something different

To step out of our comfort zone and to change.

They help us to look at who we are and recognize

That that is not who we need to become.

When we look at the things that we want,

The things we want to accomplish

Our dreams.

When we push ourselves,

When we look at who we are

And who we want to be,

We are proving to ourselves 

That we are capable of more.

Our pasts don't define us

They refine us.

We prove to not only ourselves,

But the world, 

That we are stronger, 

Better,

Capable, 

And ready to change.

We prove that what we want to become,

Is far more important than where we come from,

Or who we were,

Are,

Or what we have done.

We cannot become what we want to be

By remaining who we are.

So each day let us remember

That who we are TODAY

can be different than who we are TOMORROW.

That we have the power, 

The choice,

And the ability to be different,

To change,

And to leave our marks on the world.

Let us remember that we can

Make a difference,

That we can see the difference,

That we can be the difference.

That being different is not a bad thing,

It's what sets us apart.

Be the change you wish 

To see in the world.

Go and become.