I recently polled on Instagram whether or not people would be interested in reading a blog post concerning dating and marriage based off of things I've learned in my major and my own marriage. The answer was pleasantly surprising to me as it was unanimously yes. There are so many things I could say, but I think I'll start small (for me) and give some tips for dating and then marriage soon that are both built on fundamentals I've learned from school and through my own experiences. I hope to add more posts here in the near future, but I wanted to start a little broad with 5 tips for dating.
DATING
1. Follow The RAM
Most of what I will be referring to is based off of psychologist, Dr. John Van Epp's research and evidence-based relationship programs. I'll refer a lot to the RAM, otherwise known as the Relationship Attachment Model. Basically long story short, there's 5 parts to the RAM, and in dating the RAM should look like this with each one being lower than the one before.
That means you should know the person you're dating more than you trust them and so on with touch being the last that follows, hopefully for obvious reasons. The way that Dr. Van Epp puts it is that this allows you to "follow your heart without losing your head," and honestly it's genius. I know so many people, including myself, that would have handled my relationships so much differently had I known this. The RAM enables each of you that are dating to healthily progress through your relationship without getting too physical, too fast, which can be very dangerous. Touching too soon in a relationship can lead to a false sense of commitment. If you do not see a future with the person you are dating, please for all that is good in the world, DO NOT HOLD HIS/HER HAND, KISS HIM/HER, *MAKEOUT WITH HIM/HER, ETC. That is what is referred to as "leading them on," and frankly, it's downright disrespectful. Please have respect for other individuals as you navigate through the dating scene. *This most definitely counts as having NCMOs
Utilizing what's known as the Three T's: Talk, time, togetherness- will give ample opportunity to apply the RAM in your relationships. When you're spending time together talking you get to know each other better and that helps you trust one another more. When you trust one another you learn to rely on one another. And through those steps your commitment to each other continually grows. You're on the same page and that's when naturally holding hands and kissing should take place in a relationship.
**A helpful tip for those that have roommates that are going on dates: instead of asking about the physical nature of the date, ask what they did, and/or what your roommate thinks of the individual. Sometimes we're so focused on whether they held hands or kissed that they themselves get wrapped up in measuring how well the date went with what physical thing they did to show them they had a good time.
2. Timing is Your Own
Dating is such an important time to learn about each other and how each of you react in certain situations. Attending BYU-I it's easy to realize pretty quick that so many students feel the need to put labels on things and DTR (determine the relationship) because of the track system very early on in their relationship. I know from experience, my own and my friends', that sometimes it's hard to see beyond the end of the semester. But whether you attend BYU-I or another university or are even in a completely different stage of life, you do not need to feel rushed by anything. The timing in your relationship is your own. Some people feel that they need a lot of time to learn about one another and let their relationship grow during that stage, and that's great! Others don't need as much time, and that's also great! Don't let anyone's time table effect the way that you treat your relationship. If you need to slow things down and take it day by day, go for it! If you are both in the same place where you feel comfortable and confident moving at the pace that you are, that's fantastic! There's an acronym that Dr. Van Epp uses for pace, it's
P: Participate
A: Anticipate
C: Cooperate
E: Evaluate
There will be many success and horror stories all around you. People will offer advice both solicited and not. If you're the religious type than seek God's counsel during this time, but honestly, besides that, you have my permission to disregard what anybody else has to say. In the Book of Mormon 2 Nephi 28:30 it refers to learning "line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little," and that principle applies really well to relationships. Dr. Van Epp and his daughter, Morgan Cutlip suggest what's known as the 90 Day Probation. According to Dr. Cutlip, The 90-day probation period states that for the first 90-days it is important to conservatively pace your relationship (aka, set some stinkin boundaries) because, most often, problematic patterns will start to emerge around the third month." She then continues, "Time will allow for your partner to become more comfortable and less guarded so that behaviors that were previously suppressed will come to the surface.
Once you’ve given the relationship some time, then patterns will emerge that will allow you to decide whether or not you want to invest more in your relationship."
Those of you that know Austin and I know that our relationship didn't quite fit into this 90 day probation period. We were engaged about 2 1/2 months after we started dating and were married about 2 1/2 months after that. Although I firmly believe that the timing was right for us, I will admit that we have had to learn a lot about each other while being married and that has created some tough situations and conversations. Continually dating your spouse is important. You will forever be learning new things about each other, even if they are very little, because each of you will change over the years as your progress through life. But while dating, please make sure the hard conversations happen. Put yourselves in situations where your true selves can come out and then ask yourself, "Is this something that I'm comfortable living with for the rest of my life?"
3. Learn to Recognize Your Compatibility
What I just mentioned goes hand in hand with this next tip. You know the phrase, "Opposites attract"? Well that's not actually true. You might like someone that has an opposite opinion than you about something, but generally speaking, you are not going to date and therefore marry someone who is the complete opposite of you, and for good reason. You would probably drive each other absolutely crazy. Compatibility is important in a relationship because you want to enjoy doing the same things and have similar values and morals. Dr. Cutlip wrote, "Everyone should know about this one. Think about values, beliefs, lifestyle and personality. Also, not just what is similar but how your differences fit together. Do they make each of you better? or worse?" (Btw, check out her dating tips at https://www.mylovethinks.com/dating-tips/ ...their whole website is fire!)
Does that mean that you have to have the exact same opinion about everything? Absolutely not! Honestly, it can be really healthy for your relationship if your opinions slightly differ because then you can help each other see a different point of view. Picture your compatibility as if it were on a scale.
If you really enjoy doing something, say hiking for example, let's say you enjoy it at about an 8, but your partner doesn't really like it at all at a 2, would you be happy if your partner never wanted to go hiking or they did go with you, doesn't really enjoy themselves? Don't get me wrong, you and your future spouse will probably end up doing things you don't really enjoy, but wouldn't you want to know those things ahead of time or better yet, if there's something really important to you, wouldn't you want someone that feels the same way too? Dating is the perfect time to assess the things that are really important to you in a future spouse and the things that you can compromise on or do without.
One thing that I thought was really cool when we were dating was how often Austin wanted to include our friends in the things we were doing. Sure we went on our own dates, but he felt it was really important that we stay close to our friends. I loved this because my friends were and are so important to me, and this helped us become friends with our significant other's friends too. This made it so much easier to continue those relationships after we got married still until this day. Friends were a big thing for the both of us and that has made a huge difference in our lives.
4. The Myth of Soulmates
Another myth I'm going to dispel right now is that of soulmates. We've all heard the idea of a soulmate, the one person out of the hundred of billions of people on this earth, that was made just for you and is absolutely perfect for you. Sorry to burst your bubble, friends, but that's simply false. There is no such person. Because first of all, there's not one single perfect person that lives on this earth, and second, but there's not one single perfect person for it. In fact, you could live a wonderful, happy life with a bunch of different people (although I don't recommend trying it all at one time). There could be a number of reasons why you choose to end a relationship, but if you're like me and ever considered marrying more than one person (again, not at the same time), then you know that it's possible to love more than person and think that you could have a lasting and fulfilling relationship with them. There is danger in thinking there is a such thing as soulmates because if you believe there is only one right person for you and then all the sudden it doesn't work out, you're going to think it's impossible to ever find someone as good or even better. You will set yourself up to be disappointed. Or on the other hand, you'll arise at a problem and think that because this isn't as wonderful and as blissful as you thought that it must be then that means this person isn't your soulmate and you could possibly end a really good relationship that had a possibility of being great if you'd just put the time and effort into it.
The truth is marriage is hard work. Are there times when it is better than you could've possibly imagined? Of course! But marriage is the union of two people joining together literally everything, their lives, their finances, their living space, their bodies, their whole worlds, and that involves serious work. Your spouse can be everything you ever hoped for, but the truth of the matter is that there will be days despite how much you love them, that you really don't like them. And there will be times when you cry or are hurt because your spouse said or did something that hurt you like never before. Why is that? Because marriage is the ultimate vessel of vulnerability, and that can be both exciting and absolutely terrifying. However, that vulnerability creates such a strong, incredible bond when acted upon appropriately. Guys, being married to your best friend is the greatest thing ever, but in order to be successful, you need to be realistic. Neither one of you are perfect and if you recognize that while dating and look for the strengths that they have, and evaluate whether or not their weakness are ones that you can live with and help them strengthen, you will not have unrealistic expectations going into marriage and THAT WILL SAVE YOU SO MUCH GRIEF IN THE LONG RUN.
5. Love Yourself First
I'm sure most of you have heard this one before, but that's because it's so crucial to a healthy relationship. I'm sorry if I'm like too blunt, but some of the things that I've written I really wish someone had been straight with me before and just told me, so I hope I can be that person for some of you. NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY. That may sound terrible, but it's true. Hear me out. If you base your happiness on the actions, attitude, behavior, etc. of someone else, you will be sorely disappointed. Your happiness needs to come from a place where it is not dependent on what anyone else does. You need to be happy in your circumstances meaning that it is who you are and not what you are, and I think a large part of that comes from loving yourself and being confident in who you are. If I'm happy that means that I don't need my husband to compliment me every day in order to feel good about myself. It means that I don't feel sad or unloved unless he brings home flowers or cleans the whole house. Do those things make me feel good? Sure they do! But I don't need those things in order to feel happy about the life I live.
In our relationships it's important that we don't let our perception cloud our judgement. Especially in dating, don't compare the way your significant other express their appreciation or love for you to your friend or roommate. This can cause unrealistic expectations and your perception of how they feel about you to become completely compromised. Each person expresses their feelings in a different way. You can save yourself from a lot of heartache if you don't depend on others to be happy or feel loved.
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