What Motherhood has Taught Me About Charity

I think it's safe to say that a lot of you will have a good guess what I'm going to say on this subject- that through becoming a mother I've learned what it means to love unconditionally. And while that is true, it's so much more than that. 

Watching your body change as this little being grows inside of you for 9 months is a little surreal. For the first time in my life I was so proud of my body and its capabilities. I've never been one for sports or for being active, really, and my body has taken a toll because of it. Before I got pregnant with Isaac, I was in, what I considered, the best shape of my life, and was confident in my skin. And when I found out I was pregnant, the excitement and anticipation of carrying our little one and giving them life made me comfortable, and even at ease with all of the changes and my ever growing bump. I loved knowing that I was the means of bringing this sweet baby into the world. 

And then he was here. And the huge bump deflated a bit, then the swelling went down, I almost immediately lost about half the weight I had gained, but then I was left with this new body that I didn't love anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of my tiger stripes (stretch marks) and the significance behind them, but that doesn't make them pretty. And they sure don't make me feel sexy. As expected, I gradually started gaining weight again as I was doing nothing to keep it off and now I'm left with this body that represents all the willing sacrifice, but will forever be changed because of it. 

Now I'm not saying that it's a hopeless cause and that I'm not going to work towards getting my body back to where I want it to be, but no matter what I do there will always be remnants of everything my body endured. Because of my sweet baby, my body is forever changed. 

I remember just crying when we found out we were pregnant, partially out of slight fear and anticipation, and mostly because of excitement, of course. From that moment on I've felt this strong push to be a better person and to be a more faithful disciple of Christ. More than ever before, I feel this desire to stop making excuses because someone is counting on me. 

If you know me well you know I always have the best intentions, but that doesn't mean they're well excuted. I get distracted easily and sometimes have a hard time staying motivated. It's something that I pray for and seek Heavenly Father's assistance on daily. I want to be the best mom for my son! I want to be the best wife for my husband! I want to be a good role model and example of what it means to be a disciple of Christ. Yet, I fall short every single day, but because of my son I want to be the best possible version of me even if that means starting over every single day. I utilize the Atonement more because I understand better how crucial it is in my need to become better. Because of my sweet baby, my desire to continually become better is forever changed. 

When Austin and I started dating I knew pretty quickly that I was in love with him. I attributed that to the fact that I had fallen in love before and so I knew what it felt like. I knew that I wanted to be with him forever, through all the good and bad times. We've experienced quite a lot together over the last two years and we've grown immensely because of it. Through the process we've also seen our love grow deeper and more complex for one another. And in the last year I've watched that love stretch to whole new heights as we've prepared for and welcomed Isaac into our lives and hearts. I thought I knew love, but until Isaac was born I knew nothing. That's not to diminish or discount the love that Austin and I for one another. Watching him become a dad and love this little being that we've created together has been an experience all its own. However, meeting Isaac for the first time unlocked unopened crevices in my heart I never knew existed. 

I knew I loved our baby from the moment we found out about them. That love grew with each kick, nudge, punch, and movement, no matter how painful. But holding Isaac in my arms after 18 hours of labor put feelings into my heart and soul that are difficult for me to put into words. I knew in that instant that regardless of the choices he makes in his life, I will love him. Regardless of whether he still loves me in 16 years, or 25, or 40, I will always love him. 

And it made me wonder, do I feel that way towards others? My friends? My family? Austin? If they were to say or do something that hurt me to my very core, would I still love them? Would I still want what's best for them? And what if it's not something major, what if they make me feel bad about myself or hurt my feelings? Do I extend love towards them in return or do I write them off? 

I recently was talking to a dear friend who had been broken up with after almost 10 years with her boyfriend. She had obviously planned and hoped for a future and a family with this man, but that all came to a halting stop. After about a year, you know what she said to me? She said that she still loves him with all her heart and wishes nothing, but the best for him. She wants him to find someone and be happy. If that isn't unconditional love, I don't know what is.

In the process of becoming a mom, I've not only felt what it means to have unconditional love towards someone, but I've learned that it can't just apply to the one person I've sacrificed everything for. And not to mention, if sacrifice is one of the reasons why I feel so closely connected to my son, maybe that means I ought to sacrifice a little more for my spouse, and for our families and friends, don't you think? I mean if we truly believe we're all brothers and sisters then maybe that means we need to focus a little more on sacrificing ourselves for our family (which is everyone!), and worry less about ourselves. 

Please do not misunderstand me here, parenting is probably the biggest sacrifice of all, giving of ourselves with absolutely no time limit or amount. But I know I could do a little better reaching out to others and sacrificing my tv time after work to check up on people or clean my house so my husband doesn't have to worry about it while taking care of Isaac or after work. There are things we can do every day that don't even involve leaving the house, which on days when I'm exhausted after being up all night with Isaac, working for 5 hours, coming home to take care of him, and then taking care of everything else at home after putting him to sleep, can be a game changer! Because of my sweet boy, my capacity to and understand what unconditional love truly means, is forever changed. 

To all of you out there who are pregnant or have your little ones here already, to those who have a desire to one day become pregnant and have children, or to those who have struggled with infertility or the loss of a child, my heart goes out to you. We all sacrifice and struggle in our own ways, you are not alone. Your children will be incredibly blessed because of your willingness to sacrifice for them. Charity, the pure, unconditional love of Christ, can be found in each of us. I needed to become a mother to learn these lessons, but the capacity to learn them is given to anyone who earnestly seeks it. I pray you find comfort and peace, regardless of the circumstances you are currently in. The Lord is on our side. "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not (D&C 6:36)." ❤️

5 Dating Tips

Have you guys ever felt like every day of the week was Monday all over again? Man, this is Monday #3 for me and I am hoping tomorrow at least feels like a Tuesday. I apologize to all of you that have been anxiously awaiting this blog. I can honestly say that the last two weeks have kicked my butt more than I expected, but I'm determined to not make you wait any longer.

I recently polled on Instagram whether or not people would be interested in reading a blog post concerning dating and marriage based off of things I've learned in my major and my own marriage. The answer was pleasantly surprising to me as it was unanimously yes. There are so many things I could say, but I think I'll start small (for me) and give some tips for dating and then marriage soon that are both built on fundamentals I've learned from school and through my own experiences. I hope to add more posts here in the near future, but I wanted to start a little broad with 5 tips for dating.



DATING
1. Follow The RAM
Most of what I will be referring to is based off of psychologist, Dr. John Van Epp's research and evidence-based relationship programs. I'll refer a lot to the RAM, otherwise known as the Relationship Attachment Model. Basically long story short, there's 5 parts to the RAM, and in dating the RAM should look like this with each one being lower than the one before.


That means you should know the person you're dating more than you trust them and so on with touch being the last that follows, hopefully for obvious reasons. The way that Dr. Van Epp puts it is that this allows you to "follow your heart without losing your head," and honestly it's genius. I know so many people, including myself, that would have handled my relationships so much differently had I known this. The RAM enables each of you that are dating to healthily progress through your relationship without getting too physical, too fast, which can be very dangerous. Touching too soon in a relationship can lead to a false sense of commitment. If you do not see a future with the person you are dating, please for all that is good in the world, DO NOT HOLD HIS/HER HAND, KISS HIM/HER, *MAKEOUT WITH HIM/HER, ETC. That is what is referred to as "leading them on," and frankly, it's downright disrespectful. Please have respect for other individuals as you navigate through the dating scene. *This most definitely counts as having NCMOs

 Utilizing what's known as the Three T's: Talk, time, togetherness- will give ample opportunity to apply the RAM in your relationships. When you're spending time together talking you get to know each other better and that helps you trust one another more. When you trust one another you learn to rely on one another. And through those steps your commitment to each other continually grows. You're  on the same page and that's when naturally holding hands and kissing should take place in a relationship.

**A helpful tip for those that have roommates that are going on dates: instead of asking about the physical nature of the date, ask what they did, and/or what your roommate thinks of the individual. Sometimes we're so focused on whether they held hands or kissed that they themselves get wrapped up in measuring how well the date went with what physical thing they did to show them they had a good time.

2.  Timing is Your Own
Dating is such an important time to learn about each other and how each of you react in certain situations. Attending BYU-I it's easy to realize pretty quick that so many students feel the need to put labels on things and DTR (determine the relationship) because of the track system very early on in their relationship. I know from experience, my own and my friends', that sometimes it's hard to see beyond the end of the semester. But whether you attend BYU-I or another university or are even in a completely different stage of life, you do not need to feel rushed by anything. The timing in your relationship is your own. Some people feel that they need a lot of time to learn about one another and let their relationship grow during that stage, and that's great! Others don't need as much time, and that's also great! Don't let anyone's time table effect the way that you treat your relationship. If you need to slow things down and take it day by day, go for it! If you are both in the same place where you feel comfortable and confident moving at the pace that you are, that's fantastic! There's an acronym that Dr. Van Epp uses for pace, it's

P: Participate
A: Anticipate
C: Cooperate
E: Evaluate


There will be many success and horror stories all around you. People will offer advice both solicited and not. If you're the religious type than seek God's counsel during this time, but honestly, besides that, you have my permission to disregard what anybody else has to say. In the Book of Mormon 2 Nephi 28:30 it refers to learning "line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little," and that principle applies really well to relationships. Dr. Van Epp and his daughter, Morgan Cutlip suggest what's known as the 90 Day Probation. According to Dr. Cutlip, The 90-day probation period states that for the first 90-days it is important to conservatively pace your relationship (aka, set some stinkin boundaries) because, most often, problematic patterns will start to emerge around the third month." She then continues, "Time will allow for your partner to become more comfortable and less guarded so that behaviors that were previously suppressed will come to the surface.

Once you’ve given the relationship some time, then patterns will emerge that will allow you to decide whether or not you want to invest more in your relationship."

Those of you that know Austin and I know that our relationship didn't quite fit into this 90 day probation period. We were engaged about 2 1/2 months after we started dating and were married about 2 1/2 months after that. Although I firmly believe that the timing was right for us, I will admit that we have had to learn a lot about each other while being married and that has created some tough situations and conversations. Continually dating your spouse is important. You will forever be learning new things about each other, even if they are very little, because each of you will change over the years as your progress through life. But while dating, please make sure the hard conversations happen. Put yourselves in situations where your true selves can come out and then ask yourself, "Is this something that I'm comfortable living with for the rest of my life?" 

3. Learn to Recognize Your Compatibility

What I just mentioned goes hand in hand with this next tip. You know the phrase, "Opposites attract"? Well that's not actually true. You might like someone that has an opposite opinion than you about something, but generally speaking, you are not going to date and therefore marry someone who is the complete opposite of you, and for good reason. You would probably drive each other absolutely crazy. Compatibility is important in a relationship because you want to enjoy doing the same things and have similar values and morals. Dr. Cutlip wrote, "Everyone should know about this one. Think about values, beliefs, lifestyle and personality. Also, not just what is similar but how your differences fit together. Do they make each of you better? or worse?" (Btw, check out her dating tips at https://www.mylovethinks.com/dating-tips/ ...their whole website is fire!) 

Does that mean that you have to have the exact same opinion about everything? Absolutely not! Honestly, it can be really healthy for your relationship if your opinions slightly differ because then you can help each other see a different point of view. Picture your compatibility as if it were on a scale. 

If you really enjoy doing something, say hiking for example, let's say you enjoy it at about an 8, but your partner doesn't really like it at all at a 2, would you be happy if your partner never wanted to go hiking or they did go with you, doesn't really enjoy themselves? Don't get me wrong, you and your future spouse will probably end up doing things you don't really enjoy, but wouldn't you want to know those things ahead of time or better yet, if there's something really important to you, wouldn't you want someone that feels the same way too? Dating is the perfect time to assess the things that are really important to you in a future spouse and the things that you can compromise on or do without. 

One thing that I thought was really cool when we were dating was how often Austin wanted to include our friends in the things we were doing. Sure we went on our own dates, but he felt it was really important that we stay close to our friends. I loved this because my friends were and are so important to me, and this helped us become friends with our significant other's friends too. This made it so much easier to continue those relationships after we got married still until this day. Friends were a big thing for the both of us and that has made a huge difference in our lives. 

4. The Myth of Soulmates

Another myth I'm going to dispel right now is that of soulmates. We've all heard the idea of a soulmate, the one person out of the hundred of billions of people on this earth, that was made just for you and is absolutely perfect for you. Sorry to burst your bubble, friends, but that's simply false. There is no such person. Because first of all, there's not one single perfect person that lives on this earth, and second, but there's not one single perfect person for it. In fact, you could live a wonderful, happy life with a bunch of different people (although I don't recommend trying it all at one time). There could be a number of reasons why you choose to end a relationship, but if you're like me and ever considered marrying more than one person (again, not at the same time), then you know that it's possible to love more than person and think that you could have a lasting and fulfilling relationship with them. There is danger in thinking there is a such thing as soulmates because if you believe there is only one right person for you and then all the sudden it doesn't work out, you're going to think it's impossible to ever find someone as good or even better. You will set yourself up to be disappointed. Or on the other hand, you'll arise at a problem and think that because this isn't as wonderful and as blissful as you thought that it must be then that means this person isn't your soulmate and you could possibly end a really good relationship that had a possibility of being great if you'd just put the time and effort into it.

The truth is marriage is hard work. Are there times when it is better than you could've possibly imagined? Of course! But marriage is the union of two people joining together literally everything, their lives, their finances, their living space, their bodies, their whole worlds, and that involves serious work. Your spouse can be everything you ever hoped for, but the truth of the matter is that there will be days despite how much you love them, that you really don't like them. And there will be times when you cry or are hurt because your spouse said or did something that hurt you like never before. Why is that? Because marriage is the ultimate vessel of vulnerability, and that can be both exciting and absolutely terrifying. However, that vulnerability creates such a strong, incredible bond when acted upon appropriately. Guys, being married to your best friend is the greatest thing ever, but in order to be successful, you need to be realistic. Neither one of you are perfect and if you recognize that while dating and look for the strengths that they have, and evaluate whether or not their weakness are ones that you can live with and help them strengthen, you will not have unrealistic expectations going into marriage and THAT WILL SAVE YOU SO MUCH GRIEF IN THE LONG RUN. 

5. Love Yourself First

I'm sure most of you have heard this one before, but that's because it's so crucial to a healthy relationship. I'm sorry if I'm like too blunt, but some of the things that I've written I really wish someone had been straight with me before and just told me, so I hope I can be that person for some of you. NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY. That may sound terrible, but it's true. Hear me out. If you base your happiness on the actions, attitude, behavior, etc. of someone else, you will be sorely disappointed. Your happiness needs to come from a place where it is not dependent on what anyone else does. You need to be happy in your circumstances meaning that it is who you are and not what you are, and I think a large part of that comes from loving yourself and being confident in who you are. If I'm happy that means that I don't need my husband to compliment me every day in order to feel good about myself. It means that I don't feel sad or unloved unless he brings home flowers or cleans the whole house. Do those things make me feel good? Sure they do! But I don't need those things in order to feel happy about the life I live. 

In our relationships it's important that we don't let our perception cloud our judgement. Especially in dating, don't compare the way your significant other express their appreciation or love for you to your friend or roommate. This can cause unrealistic expectations and your perception of how they feel about you to become completely compromised. Each person expresses their feelings in a different way. You can save yourself from a lot of heartache if you don't depend on others to be happy or feel loved.

Isaac's Birth Story

I am so sorry for those who have been waiting to read this. I honestly think about finishing it every single day and each day passes without it being done. Over and over. I can't believe it's already been three weeks since my beautiful, sweet boy was born. Our home is filled with so much love and happiness, amidst all the tears. I can't believe I've lived this long without Isaac in my life. In his short life so far he has changed me, given me purpose, and altered my entire perspective on life. I love him with my whole heart and soul. If this is even a glimpse of what our Father in Heaven feels for us, I cannot even begin to fathom the kind of unconditional love that He must have for us.

My whole pregnancy passed by in a blur of excitement and changes. It seemed like 9 months had never gone by so fast, at least until the last two weeks or so. Everyone had always told me the last trimester lasted as long as the whole pregnancy, but for me it all went by really quick until I hit about 38 weeks. I felt a change in my energy levels decrease, an urgency in my desire to get my body back, and an overall unshakable anticipation regarding the unforeseeable near future events that would take place. Our goal was to make it to the new year in hopes that we would qualify for paid maternity leave through my work, but we had no idea if we would make it, and when he would actually make his grand entrance. We had a minor hiccup only the Thursday before the new year when we went to the doctor for my 39 week checkup and my blood pressure was high. Dr. Asay was concerned and wanted to have it tested again, along with some blood work. We ended up "passing" and were able to go home with strict orders to take it easy, and I honestly believe it if my bp hadn't have gone down we would have been sent to the hospital that night. At that appointment we scheduled to meet again on the 3rd if he hadn't decided to come by then. We also talked about possible induction dates, which at that time would have been the 6th or 7th, but that would all be decided on the 3rd.

New Years Eve we waited in anticipation as we hung out with Austin's family, counting down the hours as we celebrated together. As soon as we made it to midnight, a sigh of relief washed over me and I felt extremely blessed. The Lord truly knew I needed the time with Isaac and we needed the financial security that the new year brought.

The next few days came and went, passing his due date on Jan. 2nd, and once again we were back in the doctor's office. I was a little anxious not knowing how far dilated I was or when to expect to be induced, but also in utter belief that we were so close to having our baby boy here. Dr. Asay checked me out again, found that I was at about 1.5 cm and then basically said, "Well, tomorrow's my induction day (each doctor in the office has a day of the week that they schedule their patient's inductions and here's was the next day), do you want to have a baby tomorrow?" Honestly, it threw me for a freaking loop. I knew we had talked about being induced that weekend, but I had no idea she was going to want to do it the next day! However, Austin and I looked at each other and nodded our heads that we did in fact want to have our baby the next day. I was in utter disbelief as we finished the paperwork and talked the plans over for the next day. Our baby boy was coming! And sooner than I thought!

We left the clinic and ran some errands and while we were out I called my mom. I told her we were having the baby the next day. They had basically been on call to head up here whenever things started to progress anyway so when my dad got home that afternoon they prepared to drive up. We completed our errands and headed home so that Austin could get ready for work. While he was at work I sat at home making sure everything was as ready as could be. I also sat in anticipation wondering and imagining what the next day would be. I had been preparing and studying, but I honestly had no idea how my body would react or what to expect since I had never had anything more than my wisdom teeth taken out. I was filled with anticipation, but also excitement.

After Austin came home from work around 11 we went to bed. We were supposed to show up at the hospital at 6 am so I set my alarm for 4:30 and tried to get some rest. However, sleep did not come easily and sometime between 2 and 3 am the pain got severe enough that I couldn't sleep anymore. I started timing the contractions and they were about a minute long and about 5-7 mins apart for a half hour. By 3:30 I was up and woke Austin up. I told him what was happening and we started getting ready to go to the hospital. Austin gave me a blessing right before we left and in it he stated that everything would be ok and that I would feel at peace. It was interesting that after all of the anticipation and apprehension leading up to giving birth that when everything actually started happening I felt extremely calm and at peace.

We arrived at the hospital around 4:45 and because I was going to be admitted at 6 anyway they just put me in a room right away and started getting everything set up. I was still in a quite a bit of pain and even though I was only at a 3 they said I could ask for an epidural at any time so I requested it and sometime after 7 the anesthesiologist finally came in. Once the epidural was in I was in pure heaven and was able to sleep. They said that since I was progressing on my own I wouldn't need any pitocin at that point. They checked me again and I was about the same so they just let it play out. Amy was my nurse and she was absolutely wonderful. Since she works the day shift she knew Austin's mom well so it was fun to talk with her with Karen there. Karen was supposed to work that day, but was put on call so she hung out with us. I slowly progressed as the day wore on so eventually they gave me some pitocin to speed up the contractions. They kept moving me from side to side, but he was being pretty stubborn and really only seemed to like it when I was simply lying on my back.

Around 1 pm my family arrived, which was awesome, but I was still only about 5 cm. We all hung out and they came and went for most of the afternoon into the evening. I was hoping for a max of 10-12 hours of labor, but 4:45 pm came and went. And by 6 pm my nurse Amy ended her shift and my night nurse Courtni showed up. Things progressed well through the next hour and they started prepping for delivery. My sisters stayed in the room behind their books and facetimed my brother. They cracked me up with their side comments and it was funny to have them there without them actually witnessing anything. Around 7:30 I was instructed to start pushing. Delivery was hard. It was painful as my epidural started to wear off right at the hardest part. Dr. Asay had a hard time getting around his head because of his thick hair. She said she had never seen that much hair on a newborn. After about an hour our baby boy finally made his entrance into the world! Isaac Layne was born at 8:46 pm weighing 8 lbs and 5 oz and measured 21 inches tall. He had the darkest hair and eyes when I first looked at it, but absolutely beautiful!

I had been so focused on my breathing and pushing that when he finally made it out and they put him on my chest, I lost it. I still tear up just thinking about it. It was such a sweet and tender moment for me. I felt like that was the moment that everything in my life led up to. In that moment I looked up at Austin and everything just felt so perfect. How had I ever lived without my sweet boys in my life? There are so many more feelings that were in my heart that are so indescribable and that are so sacred to me. Everyone had told me, but until I experienced it for myself I had no idea how it would feel. But bringing Isaac into the world alongside by best friend and love is tied for the best moment of my life with being sealed to Austin. I love our family and our sweet baby boy. He is the best thing along with his daddy that has ever happened to me. I am so blessed with the life that I have been given and I'm grateful for all the hardships, the wrong turns, the lessons learned, along with all of the blessings that have led me to exactly where I am.

It's been three weeks since my baby boy entered the world. These last three weeks have been exhausting and have stretched me in ways that I never would've imagined. I have a purpose and a new role in my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world.