This is a Test

There are few things I love more than being and serving in the temple. I've had maybe one or two rare moments where I felt the spirit overwhelmingly strong, but most of the time I'm just comfortable; almost as if it would too much for me to feel more than the serene comfort that envelops me as I walk through the halls. I have always wondered why I have never had similar overwhelming spiritual experiences that others have had. I've wondered if maybe I was in the wrong mindset, or maybe I'm just too tired. I've gone as far as to question whether or not I am worthy to even be there. All of this, of course, is not from our Heavenly Father, and as I have recognized that I realized that the feelings that I experience and go through at the temple are merely what it feels like when I am home. As I walk through the hallways of the temple I feel calm, happy, peaceful, and loved. That's how I feel when I'm at home- no wonder I love being in my Father's house.

Last Saturday as I was getting close to the end of my shift I was assigned to the Celestial Room. I walked in before the session was out so I took a seat and began looking around. There was a lady that I recognized who had done initiatories a couple weeks previous seated on one of the couches. She looked to be upset from where I was sitting so I watched her a little longer until suddenly she caught my eye. She pointed at me and said she knew me. I told her that it was from initiatories and that I recognized her when she had come into the dressing room earlier. Eventually she motioned for me to sit by her so I went over to where she was at. She got to know me a little better and I got to know her a little better too, and before we knew it the both of us were sharing some personal things that we had recently gone through or were experiencing. I told her how I no longer had a job and how I never in a million years would have planned for that to happen, but how somehow it felt like it was right and that God was directing me to something not known to me yet. I also explained how I had so much time on my hands and I wasn't sure what to do with it. She simply said, "Use it!" She went on to explain how some things had happened her life similar to mine and she was uncertain of what God's plan was for her, but she recognized that something was coming and that she needed to use her time wisely now while she had it. She told me, "You're never going to get this time back- use it wisely." 

I have been wondering for some time now how I can use my time better and what Heavenly Father would expect me to do with all this extra time I have, but last Sunday in Relief Society I had several promptings about it. I wrote in my study journal, "I need to do things that are in my reach, help those that are under my stewardship, and focus on how I can change my world around me & not necessarily the whole world." I've always felt so strongly about my influence and my responsibility to make a difference. It's as if it's inately in my character to look at the world around me and think about all of the charities I should start, and the organizations that I could found to send water to Africa, or build houses in Mexico, or send supplies to other foreign countries after natural diasters strike. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of those things at all, but I have come to recognize that it's gotta start, or begin somewhere, at relatively small measures before it can become something great. I hope to one day travel the world in humanitarian efforts, that I might be able to make a difference in that way, but I also have started to realize the importance of changing the world around me first. 

I started jotting down an idea of what I could do or how I could do that, and before I knew it I had several ideas: Visiting teaching (more than just the numbers), clean my apartment/do my part, family history/indexing, temple work, sharing my testimony to friends/on social media, writing my recent converts, going out with the sister missionaries, fulfilling my calling- getting to know them personally, donate plasma, find service organizations to join next semester. All of these things didn't seem like much until I realized that these are things that if I truly did them, would fill up my days in doing service. And in reality, those are kind of a lot of things to keep me busy.

Another interesting thing that happened to me last week was when I was reading the Joseph Smith story before going to the temple. I am familiar with the story, and have told it 100+ times, but I noticed something different this time. As I was reading previous to Joseph seeing Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, these two verses struck me: 

15 After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction.

16 But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction--not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being--just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.

I think for the first time in my life, I realized that Joseph was about to give up. He was literally in the deepest despair, with seemingly no way out. He had hit what we would commonly refer to as "rock bottom". At that exact moment when he was, as he put it, "ready to...abandon [himself] to destruction...at this moment of great alarm, [he] saw a pillar of light..." This weighed heavily on my heart all day Saturday as well as Sunday morning. I realized that there have been several times in my short life that I have felt that I have hit rock bottom and saw no way out. It was in those vulnerable and tender moments in my life, when I became the closest with my Savior, when I truly recognized Him as not only my Savior and Redeemer, but my older brother and best friend. It was after those scary moments in my life when Heavenly Father blessed me. Not the usual blessings that come from obedience, but the ones that are bigger and come only after serious humbling. The blessings that come with subtle guidance as if Heavenly Father is saying, "Now that you're finally where I need you to be, here are the blessings that accompany that." 

It's been a really rough couple of weeks for me. I think not really having constant things to do after losing my job, not really having close or best friends anymore, and unexpected financial issues and other trials have been weighing on me more than I expected. It's been really hard for me to keep going strong when I don't understand why I need these trials. I consider myself a good advisor when it comes to everyone, but myself. For some reason my advice comforts everyone, but me. I think in a way though it has given me more empathy for those that obey God's commandments, are seemingly doing everything right, and still struggle and have trials. It's a hard thing to understand. For me, it's even harder than justifying sin. I honestly have no idea why I need to be experiencing all of these things right now. It seems unfair at times when I compare myself to others who are at similar stages in life. For someone who has tried to spend their whole life in obedience to God's commandments, it's never an easy thing to accept trials, as most of us assume that when we experience trials and tribulations it's because Heavenly Father needs us to change or because we're not worthy enough.

When we were talking about the Refiner's Fire in Institute this last week something struck my deeply though. We watched a video where this woman had had a plan to have children every two years and have as many as they could. Long story short, two out of four of her children passed away and then after the second one passed, 3 weeks later her husband also died. She said something along these lines, "We don't always pass through the refiner's fire because we're bad or unworthy or because we need to change, but sometimes it's so we can help others or experience deeper joy." I couldn't believe that this woman honestly thought that all of those trials could seriously bring her deeper joy, but as she talked about Christ and her personal relationship with her Savior, I saw it. I saw that joy emulated in her expression. 

This life is not meant to be easy. How could it be when the end reward for those who pass is eternal life and exaltation?! I know that it's easy to just say, "Heavenly Father, this sucks. My life sucks and I can't do it anymore!" Believe me, I'm pretty sure I said that two nights ago in my prayers! But the important thing is not that we act all hunky dorey while we're experiencing these things, it's ok to be sad, to feel sorrowful, that makes it that much sweeter when the joy comes! The important thing is that we let these trials shape us, we let them teach us something. we make it so that we control the situation and what we gain out of it. It's never going to be easy...because honestly, it's not meant to be.

"Lucifer whispers that life's not fair and that if the gospel were true, we would never have problems or disappointments. ...The gospel isn't a guarentee against tribulation. That would be like a test with no questions. Rather, the gospel is a guide for maneuvering through the challenges of life with a sense of purpose and direction." -Sheri L. Dew "This is a Test. It is Only a Test."