I pulled out my phone and tried to express my thoughts and feelings as I typed, "Two years ago today as a newly set apart missionary, I said goodbye to the most important people in my life, stepped onto a plane, and started the craziest and most incredible journey of my life. I don't think I understood then what that adventure would entail. I know I didn't fully understand how extremely difficult some days it would be to even just get out of bed, or how much joy and happiness I could feel even without the luxuries of home. I didn't know how big of an impact certain individuals would make on my life and the things that I would learn from them. All I really understood and knew was that I was going exactly where I was supposed to be. And I have since come to realize that as much as I was called to serve in the Philippines for reasons that are still unfolding, I was called so that I could change. My biggest convert was me and will always be me. My mission was never a sacrifice, it was and will forever be the biggest blessing in my life! #philippinesbacolodmission #missionary #blessedbeyondbelief #foreverchanged #palanggakoangpilipinas."
Two whole years. It's amazing how fast the time has gone. I never would've imagined before leaving everything behind that my life would turn out the way that it has. As I thought about all of the people, the places, the distance from my family, the things I learned, how much I grew and changed, I couldn't help but be in awe at how all of those things and experiences and feelings, happened in such a short amount of time. I mean at the age of 18 I thought I had pretty much got it down. I knew what I wanted in life and where I was going, or so I thought, but that was all before The Lord showed me that He truly knows what's best.
I've thought long and hard about how to truly express the thoughts and feelings in my heart, and I remembered an article I read a while back about writing a letter to your future children. I have written how I feel regarding my mission to family, friends, just about anyone and everyone, but when it's concerning a future child of mine, I think there are deeper principles to be taught. I also think it's something that I need to do so that I can not only show them in the future when that crucial time comes, but also so that I can remember how I felt. So here's my letter to you: my future child.
My dear beautiful and loved child,
If I am showing you it must mean that you have reached a crucial decision making time. A time when you may be weighed down with some pretty big choices. My guess is that not all of them are bad, in fact, they are probably all good, and that's probably moreso why you are at this crossroad in your life. I bet you're juggling whether pursuing your education, a mission, or maybe even accepting a sport, performing arts or academic scholarship is what's right for you at this time. Those are all amazing things that will bring about so many blessings, and I am so proud of you!
I remember being in a similar situation when the announcement came out. I know, I know, you've heard this story! But I don't know if you know how many different choices were being laid out before me. I don't know if I told you that I sat at the temple many Saturdays and ran through my mind all of the options that I had and waited, while pondering these choices, to receive any inkling of a prompting regarding what I should do. I've probably told you this, but it doesn't hurt to add that I had never planned on serving a mission. I honestly and sincerely hoped to be married by the time I was eligible to serve. So I still hoped that that desire would be fulfilled. I had a lot of options regarding school, whether to stay the next semester or go home, what to study, whether to stay off track or not. I also wondered if I was supposed to stay and not serve, but rather prepare myself for a temple marriage. So many things that were all good. None of them really better than the other.
When the announcement came out I knew everything was going to change. It was inevitable. Maybe that was the first inkling that I was gong to serve, but I think I was more concentrated on the fact that that meant that even more of my friends would be serving at the same time, and that a lot more of my girlfriends would be going. I distinctly remember sitting there on the couch after Pres. Monson's prophetic announcement came out of his mouth, and I just kept muttering, "This changes everything. I don't know what's going to happen, but this changes everything."
That night I started praying. I asked Heavenly Father if I was supposed to serve. I asked him to answer me so that I could recognize that it was Him, and I knew that attending conference the next morning in the presence of all the general authorities, Apostles, and Prophet was a surefire way to get an overwhelming dose of the spirit. I was wrong, my dear child. I was wrong then for not only expecting an answer so soon, but for expecting one at all.
The reason I was wrong is because of what I learned after my so called "trial of faith." I spent nearly an entire month asking in fervant prayer, fasting, studying my scriptures and patriarchal blessing, church and temple attendance, talking with family and friends to no avail. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Absolutely nothing. Then I was talking to my visiting teacher and beloved friend Meghan who told me that maybe, just maybe I knew what I had to do and that Heavenly Father was just waiting for me to make a decision so He could tell me it was right or wrong.
It wasn't a matter of a good choice and a bad choice for me. All of my options were good, just like I'm sure yours are. I could've been happy doing in of those and still been a worthy, active member of Christ's church, just as you can. The thing was though that serving a mission at that time, leaving school, work, and family and friends behind, was the best option for me.
I feel the need to add that although it was the best option for me and I moved forward and received that confirmation that it was indeed what I was supposed to do, that did not make it any easier. A mission is hard. There is absolutely no sugarcoating that. I experienced some of the absolute worst days of my life while serving The Lord. But do I regret it? Never. How could I possibly regret something that has become the biggest blessing in my life?
My love, you will never regret "giving up" anything when you serve The Lord wholeheartedly. There will be many, many hard days. Days when it seems easier to just give up and go home, then it does to walk or bike or drive one more mile. Days when all of your thoughts turn to home, to me and to your dad, to your siblings, and you'll want nothing more than to be with us. Days when it seems that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Days when it seems that Satan is literally grasping the hearts of every single person around you. There may even days when it seems like WWIII has broken out in your apartment because you and your companion can't even stand to look at each other (please don't let that happen though, there is something to be learned from each companion, and they at least deserve to be treated as you would hope they would treat you). But oh my dear, there are days when you feel you could walk the whole earth spreading the glorious message of hope and love. Days when your cup feels like "it runneth over" and you get caught up in all of the blessings you're receiving.
There will be many days where you can't stop smiling because you see The Lord's hand in everything around you. Days when joy and happiness seem to be the only thing in your vocabulary. There will be many days where you sit there astonished at the words that came out of your mouth as the spirit flowed through you. There will be days when you see the changes that are happening inside a person's heart as they become converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ. There will be days when you cry tears of happiness as you see someone enter the waters of baptism, completely cleaned from all of their previous wrongdoings, and then witness or perform the ordinance of them receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. These are the days, the moments, the hours, the memories that will remain with you forever. These are what will shape you, mold you, change you into what you are supposed to become. The bad days you will remember as the trials that came before the miracles. But the miracles will be as detailed and distinctive in your mind as if they only happened an hour ago. You must experience all of the hardships and the bad days to truly understand how glorious and incredible the good days are. These days are the days you get a glimpse of eternity. This is when you start to gain a deeper understanding of God's plan of happiness and where you fit in it.
My sweet, sweet child, I guess what I am trying to say is that I love you. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you. They love you more than even I can comprehend and I am your mother. I trust you and so do they. They will help you and guide you along the way, but they, as do I, ultimately know that you will make not just the right, but the best decision for you and for your future.
I will leave you one promise. I promise you that anything that you give to The Lord, whatever kind of sacrifice it may be, will be reciprocated seven fold. That means that whatever you end of sacrificing will not end up being a sacrifice in the end because of all of the blessings that will pour out from Heaven to you. In fact, your biggest sacrifice could end up becoming your greatest blessing.
I am so proud of you, regardless of the decision you make. You are an exceptional child of our Heavenly Father. Thank you for being you, and for letting me share these things with you.
I love you,
Mom
