I think it's safe to say that a lot of you will have a good guess what I'm going to say on this subject- that through becoming a mother I've learned what it means to love unconditionally. And while that is true, it's so much more than that.
Watching your body change as this little being grows inside of you for 9 months is a little surreal. For the first time in my life I was so proud of my body and its capabilities. I've never been one for sports or for being active, really, and my body has taken a toll because of it. Before I got pregnant with Isaac, I was in, what I considered, the best shape of my life, and was confident in my skin. And when I found out I was pregnant, the excitement and anticipation of carrying our little one and giving them life made me comfortable, and even at ease with all of the changes and my ever growing bump. I loved knowing that I was the means of bringing this sweet baby into the world.
And then he was here. And the huge bump deflated a bit, then the swelling went down, I almost immediately lost about half the weight I had gained, but then I was left with this new body that I didn't love anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of my tiger stripes (stretch marks) and the significance behind them, but that doesn't make them pretty. And they sure don't make me feel sexy. As expected, I gradually started gaining weight again as I was doing nothing to keep it off and now I'm left with this body that represents all the willing sacrifice, but will forever be changed because of it.
Now I'm not saying that it's a hopeless cause and that I'm not going to work towards getting my body back to where I want it to be, but no matter what I do there will always be remnants of everything my body endured. Because of my sweet baby, my body is forever changed.
I remember just crying when we found out we were pregnant, partially out of slight fear and anticipation, and mostly because of excitement, of course. From that moment on I've felt this strong push to be a better person and to be a more faithful disciple of Christ. More than ever before, I feel this desire to stop making excuses because someone is counting on me.
If you know me well you know I always have the best intentions, but that doesn't mean they're well excuted. I get distracted easily and sometimes have a hard time staying motivated. It's something that I pray for and seek Heavenly Father's assistance on daily. I want to be the best mom for my son! I want to be the best wife for my husband! I want to be a good role model and example of what it means to be a disciple of Christ. Yet, I fall short every single day, but because of my son I want to be the best possible version of me even if that means starting over every single day. I utilize the Atonement more because I understand better how crucial it is in my need to become better. Because of my sweet baby, my desire to continually become better is forever changed.
When Austin and I started dating I knew pretty quickly that I was in love with him. I attributed that to the fact that I had fallen in love before and so I knew what it felt like. I knew that I wanted to be with him forever, through all the good and bad times. We've experienced quite a lot together over the last two years and we've grown immensely because of it. Through the process we've also seen our love grow deeper and more complex for one another. And in the last year I've watched that love stretch to whole new heights as we've prepared for and welcomed Isaac into our lives and hearts. I thought I knew love, but until Isaac was born I knew nothing. That's not to diminish or discount the love that Austin and I for one another. Watching him become a dad and love this little being that we've created together has been an experience all its own. However, meeting Isaac for the first time unlocked unopened crevices in my heart I never knew existed.
I knew I loved our baby from the moment we found out about them. That love grew with each kick, nudge, punch, and movement, no matter how painful. But holding Isaac in my arms after 18 hours of labor put feelings into my heart and soul that are difficult for me to put into words. I knew in that instant that regardless of the choices he makes in his life, I will love him. Regardless of whether he still loves me in 16 years, or 25, or 40, I will always love him.
And it made me wonder, do I feel that way towards others? My friends? My family? Austin? If they were to say or do something that hurt me to my very core, would I still love them? Would I still want what's best for them? And what if it's not something major, what if they make me feel bad about myself or hurt my feelings? Do I extend love towards them in return or do I write them off?
I recently was talking to a dear friend who had been broken up with after almost 10 years with her boyfriend. She had obviously planned and hoped for a future and a family with this man, but that all came to a halting stop. After about a year, you know what she said to me? She said that she still loves him with all her heart and wishes nothing, but the best for him. She wants him to find someone and be happy. If that isn't unconditional love, I don't know what is.
In the process of becoming a mom, I've not only felt what it means to have unconditional love towards someone, but I've learned that it can't just apply to the one person I've sacrificed everything for. And not to mention, if sacrifice is one of the reasons why I feel so closely connected to my son, maybe that means I ought to sacrifice a little more for my spouse, and for our families and friends, don't you think? I mean if we truly believe we're all brothers and sisters then maybe that means we need to focus a little more on sacrificing ourselves for our family (which is everyone!), and worry less about ourselves.
Please do not misunderstand me here, parenting is probably the biggest sacrifice of all, giving of ourselves with absolutely no time limit or amount. But I know I could do a little better reaching out to others and sacrificing my tv time after work to check up on people or clean my house so my husband doesn't have to worry about it while taking care of Isaac or after work. There are things we can do every day that don't even involve leaving the house, which on days when I'm exhausted after being up all night with Isaac, working for 5 hours, coming home to take care of him, and then taking care of everything else at home after putting him to sleep, can be a game changer! Because of my sweet boy, my capacity to and understand what unconditional love truly means, is forever changed.
To all of you out there who are pregnant or have your little ones here already, to those who have a desire to one day become pregnant and have children, or to those who have struggled with infertility or the loss of a child, my heart goes out to you. We all sacrifice and struggle in our own ways, you are not alone. Your children will be incredibly blessed because of your willingness to sacrifice for them. Charity, the pure, unconditional love of Christ, can be found in each of us. I needed to become a mother to learn these lessons, but the capacity to learn them is given to anyone who earnestly seeks it. I pray you find comfort and peace, regardless of the circumstances you are currently in. The Lord is on our side. "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not (D&C 6:36)." ❤️
